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April
2009
God, they
say, moves in mysterious ways. But he seems to have fallen surprisingly quiet
in recent times, after hectic centuries anointing prophets, parting seas,
sacrificing his son, writing books on stone tablets in heaven which he then
had faxed down to humanity by an angelic PA, and appearing in saintly
visions.
In a sign
of the changing times, God has gone from voices in the head to voicemail. For
the next six months, people can call
God in the Netherlands. You could say the Book of Numbers is
being brought up to date with a telephone directory in annex. Look out for
listings of all the major prophets and angels in the coming months – although
the ‘Beast’ has revealed no plans to activate the number 666.
Unfortunately,
given God’s busy schedule, (s)he does not actually have time to take your call,
but (s)he does invite callers to leave a voicemail message. This irked one of
my friends, Stef, who urged the Lord in no uncertain terms to “answer the
phone, God damn it”. Meanwhile, Nikolai is worried that, inundated with
calls, God may decide to employ an irritating automated call centre which
would announce: “For ritual sacrifice, press one…”
As you’d
expect from God, who always seems to carry out his divine mission on earth
through mediums, the telephone number was set up by a human agent. The Dutch
artist Johan van der Dong hopes the mobile phone number can help reconcile
an ancient ritual, prayer, with a modern one, mobile telephony. “This will
help people to order their thoughts and that is also a form of prayers,” believes
van der Dong.
While I
appreciate that the faithful may welcome this new channel for their prayers,
if I could have a direct line to God, I would use it to ask him about all the
things that just don’t add up about religion.
Despite
all the questions in my head, I’ll limit myself to ten questions (please feel
free to add your own):
- Do you really exist? If so
and given that you are the All Mighty, could you please prove it
definitively to dispel the controversy once and for all? On behalf of
the Guardian, I’d invite you to write a column about it.
- Which religion is yours? Most
religions believe that they have the inside track on you and that you
have chosen the followers of that faith and blessed them above the rest
of humanity. Is the Quran equivalent to the Bible? Are you the only god
for the three big monotheistic faiths or do you have a couple of
competitors out there? Which fundis are your favourites?
- If you created all humans as
equals, why do many of your scriptures condone slavery, class and caste,
and the inferior status of women? You've sent us your son. Now, in the
spirit of equal opportunities, when can we expect to receive your
daughter?
- Why does it seem that, in
your book (or books), ritual is held above substance? Surely, people do
not need to pray, go to a temple, embark on pilgrimages or fast, etc.,
to prove that they are good human beings. Conversely, people can be bad
and also do all that you ask. Why do you demand blind obedience? I mean
that’s not what I would expect from my kind of supreme and supremely
confident being.
- Why are you so fixated on sex
and sexuality? Why does religion seem to regard sex out of wedlock or
between people of the same gender as more of a risk to society than war
and climate change? Where do you stand on AIDS? Should people really not
wear condoms even if it ends up killing them?
- Why is it that in the toss up
between faith and reason, you expect us to choose faith? Surely, you
should respect your creations enough to allow them to exercise their
minds and reject your commands if they conflict with rationality.
- How do you explain the
contradictions between scientific fact and religion? One example is
‘creationism v evolution’. Although some believers have managed to
reconcile the two, there will always remain the conflict between our
religious nature as God’s chosen creature and our biological nature as
little more than smart apes who aren’t as clever as they think. And if
there is no contradiction between science and religion, why have
religious establishments often been the most vociferous opponents of scientific
progress (note: I do realise that religion has also historically acted
as a catalyst for science)?
- If you are merciful and
loving, why did you create hell? Are you really in the habit of choosing
one group of humans over another and, if so, how merciful and loving is
it of you to condemn untold billions of people to eternal damnation for
accidents of birth (i.e. being born into another religion) or choice?
- Is everything written or do
we have free will? If You created us, are omniscient and know everything
we are going to do before we do it, how the hell can you hold us
accountable for our actions? Surely, they are, by implication, your
actions.
- Why do you refuse to
democratise faith? Presuming you’re as omnipotent as the descriptions,
I’m sure you’d have no trouble in finding a way to talk to us all
directly without the need for prophets and clergy to get in the way.
This
column appeared in The Guardian Unlimited’s Comment is Free section on
4 March 2009. Read the related
discussion.
ăCopyright 2009 – Khaled Diab. Unless otherwise stated, all the content on this website
is the copyright of Khaled Diab.
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